so many levels of fucked up

You know what? I've been hearing that "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem" bullshit for years. And you know what? Fine. I have a problem.

And you know what's actually getting me to admit to that problem?

I'm jealous of this:


(The characters, not the actors, obviously. I'm totally convinced that he's gay and she's sleeping with Ashley Tisdale.)

Because, seriously. These two ridiculous characters, in a fucking Disney movie, are capable of a more mature and loving relationship than I am. They made it through a cliquey school, a scheming princess diva, and college decisions, and they still ended up together. And yeah, it's Disney, so of course there was a happy ending. But still.

And I never had to try and brave any of that shit. I didn't have to deal with cliques or schemers or college distance. All I had to deal with in order to make a successful relationship was my own subconscious.

But you know what? I can't. I can't come to grips with the fact that I'm totally, completely messed up.

So instead, I project the opposite image. I cuddle and drape myself all over people and talk about how comfortable I with sex and sexuality, when in reality every touch makes me cringe, every lewd joke makes me remember all the times when sex was dirty and painful and awful. I pretend everything's okay when all I want to do is curl up and cry.

When I write stories, be it fanfiction or original, my readers always comment on the angst and hurt and abuse I put my characters through. They tell me "I felt so awful for so-and-so. I'm glad so-and-so was there for him/her!" And the characters are getting all the empathy I didn't. Because people care about the characters. There's an attachment there. People would rather read about their favorite characters being abused than hear their friends' stories. And that sucks.

But it's an outlet. I write about the characters and their reactions and yeah, they're much more realistic and painful than that grammatically retarded shit on fanfiction.net. It's dark and it's gritty and it's real, because life sucks like that.

I know, in the back of my mind, that I wouldn't be the writer I am today without the shit that happened to me. I wouldn't be able to channel my emotions into my writing. I wouldn't be able to make my characters real and believable and human.

Don't get me wrong. My writing saved my life. Without my ability to channel my pain into poetry and prose, I probably wouldn't be here today. And without what happened, I don't think I'd be a bad writer, but I'd certainly be a different one.

And do you want to know a secret?

I'd trade all the writing ability in the world for the ability to be normal again. To go on a date without looking around for every possible exit, every person in the surrounding area I can scream for. To be alone with someone of the opposite sex without being scared. To hug someone without wanting to cry. To be sexual without feeling like I have to.

In the end, I just want to live in a Disney world where everyone gets to have a happy ending.
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HSM in 2 minutes or less

You guys...I wish there were words to describe how awesome this is.

...But there aren't.

(for those of you wondering, that guy is Drew Seeley, who did Troy's singing in HSM1. BBV is not there because no one cares about her.) Read more! Read more!

Oh, BOYS.

Okay. Seriously.

Sometimes...sometimes there just aren't words.

....*gigglesnort*

Read more! Read more!

my mommy >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> your mommy

MY MOMMY IS ADORABLE.







That is all.

Read more! Read more!

DONE, bitches.

50K down, 50K to go. :) Read more! Read more!

trufax.

Now, kiddies, listen.

Everyone was very excited about the Obama election, myself included. This was a historical event and a huge triumph for young voters, who turned out in droves to elect the candidate who actually made us believe that there could be hope for this country.

That being said, while a huge step was taken forward for minorities, another giant leap was taken backwards by the passage of anti-gay legislation in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida.

I really don't understand this--how America can come so far but still have so far to go. People who argue against gay rights because of the Bible...it doesn't make sense to me. First of all for the obvious reason, that the laws of the Bible should not, under any circumstances, control the laws of our country. But mostly because, and I mean this sincerely, it's not fair to use the Bible to oppose gay rights.

I'm a fairly religious person. I've read the Bible cover-to-cover and trust me when I tell you it's an interesting read. But you can't use it to defend an anti-gay stance, not unless you're going to use it to protest divorce, shrimp, and polyester as well. You can't pick and choose the passages that suit your bigotry, that's not how it works. I don't know how to make this clear, and I know there's no way to really convince the sort of people who use that kind of reasoning, but seriously. The Bible says that the right to judgment lies with God and God alone, so if you're going to rely on a book to make your decisions, rely on it in a way that helps your fellow man, not in a way that hurts him.

Also, I kind of love Keith Olberman. For serious. Read more! Read more!

to everyone bitching about leaving the country...

Alright. So apparently a ton of bitchy people who are all pissed about my bb Barack winning are planning on leaving the country to go to either Canada or Europe.

Itty bitty problems with that plan, m'dears.

1. Canada is one of the only countries on the planet that is more liberal than the U.S. Free health care, higher taxes, gay marriage, the list goes on. So if you're scared of Obama's "socialist policies" (and, by the way, our government started employing "socialist policies" as soon as we developed the income tax and welfare), Canada is not the place to go.

2. Europe DOES NOT WANT YOU. Seriously. When people talk about how Europeans hate Americans, they're talking about YOU. European bbs, back me up on this, but I'm pretty sure that the Americans they don't like are the ones that are all for the wars and the guns and against the gays and the yays. I'm not saying Republicans, just...y'know, the crazy ones.

So that's that. And seriously, everyone talking about how Obama's a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a socialist...do some research. He's a Christian, he's no more of a terrorist than Sarah Palin (and I'm pretty sure she's more of one), and figure out what socialism IS before you start pissing out about it, because it's working pretty damn well overseas.

Thanks for your time, kittens.
xoxoxoxoxo Read more! Read more!

and again, Obama.

Kittens, history was made tonight.

I realize this has been said over and over and over again, but it remains true.

For the first time in years, I'm proud to be American. For the last eight years, I've been continuously ashamed of the leadership of this country, of the bigotry and hate that became increasingly evident as issues such as gay rights came into the limelight.

In 2004, I caught a glimpse of what was possible when Massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage. It was a really great moment, and I was truly proud of my state.

Over the past few months, watching the campaigns progress, I found myself being continuously disappointed in the way the presidential campaigns were being conducted. And while I may be biased, there is no denying that the Republican party was the one to take unnecessary stabs at Barack Obama's personal life--his birth, his religion, his middle name. I watched people act disgusted at the very idea of a Muslim man running for president, and I could only be disgusted at the show of ignorance showed by those people. Without even waiting to see if rumors about him were true (he's not actually Muslim, by the way, but it shouldn't matter) they seized onto the smallest idea they could use against him, because he was different. Even tonight, in the wake of victory, I found my own friends actually surprising me with really low, disgusting views. I am completely the last person who would discourage a person from having an opinion, but there is a way to express an opinion without sounding immature or foolish.

But overall, America made me proud tonight. We elected, in an overwhelming majority of electoral votes, a strong, honorable, inspiring man who will no doubt give our country the boost she needs to get back on her feet. I have no doubt that under the leadership of President (yes, President) Barack Obama, America will slowly regain the respect of the world that she has lost over the years.

Thank you, America. You made me proud tonight. Good night, and God bless.





And for the love of God, California, get your act together and defeat Prop 8. Seriously.

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Obama FTW.

LOOK AT THIS SEXY MOFO. LOOK AT HIM.

Now elect him. Immediately. GO GO GO GO GO!!
Read more! Read more!

So, I saw High School Musical 3 last weekend. Yeah, yeah, I should be ashamed of myself, etc etc. Whatever. There were eight people in the theatre, six of them were with me, we squealed over every Lucas Grabeel moment in the damn movie...it was fun. I ADMIT IT!

Anyway, because recaps are apparently the new black, apparently I'm supposed to do a write-up of the movie. So...yeah. Here we go.

Things I liked:

- Ryan!

OMFG he was adorable! All bouncy and happy because he got to choreograph and dance with all the pretty boys all over the place and awwww. Also, Lucas Grabeel is definitely the most underrated vocalist in the cast. Everytime he opens his mouth to sing, I'm like "oh, hey, I forgot--you're ridiculously good at this!" The kid's got a belt on him like it ain't no one's business. That beginning note of "I Want It All" in the Spring Musical Medley? DAMN, boy!

- Kelsi.

Because every pretty gay boy needs a fag-hag, and Kelsi is Ryan's. And let's face it, she was kind of adorable, and I totally bought her and Ryan being BFF-dates for prom.

- Darbus.

Because she rocked in this movie. That's all.

- Chad and Troy version 2.0.

Need I say more? BB!Chad's little afro! *squee*

- "I Want It All"

This song was so many different levels of awesome it's not even FUNNY. I loved how Ryan just got steadily more and more into it, and again his awesome vocal skills. And Sharpay was one fierce bitch in this song.

Also, all the cameos from the rest of the cast. Fanboy!Troy and Officer!Chad are definitely my faves, with Taxi!Kelsi a close second. :P Hm...I wonder how Ryan got out of those speeding tickets from Officer Chad? *eyebrow wiggle*

- "The Boys are Back"

Because whenever I listen to it while walking down a street, I start walking in rhythm and I feel like a secret agent.

*looks around* What? Am I the only one?

- Troy's piece of shit car.

Because it amused me when the boys were pushing it toward the party and Chad just gave Troy this look like "fix this mother fucker or I will seriously hurt you".

- Ryan's bright pink pants.

And his knee-high boots. And his argyle vest. And his white tux. And his flowered pants. And...okay, actually, just Ryan's wardrobe in general.

- "Can I Have This Dance"

Just for the choreography, because it was really beautiful to watch, even if BBV can't sing worth shit. Also, my slasher's mind knows that Ryan totally taught Troy how to waltz like that. And then he taught Chad how to waltz. Naked.

- Ryan being gay with everyone.

Because...he really was. With everyone. Except for Chad, apparently, but they came out officially in HSM2 so I guess Disney figured they didn't need to hammer the point home. :P Maybe we'll get some more Chyan in the deleted scenes.

Things I Didn't Like:

- Troyella eating the entire fucking movie.

Yeah, I get it, they're the main couple. But the thing is, no one cares. GTFO my screen.

- The "plot".

Or lack thereof. Seriously, wtf was this movie about?

- Disney's lack of knowledge concerning scholarships.

And college acceptance, early acceptance programs, auditions, understudies...I can go on.

- Sharpay version 2.0

Because seriously. Sharpay >>>>>>>>> Tiara. Like whoa.

- Ryan's Vespa.

Seriously, Disney? A Vespa? He owns half of New Mexico, for Christ's sake! Give him a care that'll get him laid, not a fucking scooter!

- Blatant inconsistencies.

Because apparently Troy's piece of shit truck, that can't even make it from his house to Gabriella's, can drive 1,000+ miles to Stanford. Uh...yeah...no.


All in all, though, I kind of liked it. It amused me. BITE ME, bitches, I liked it. Read more! Read more!

Hey Sarah Palin

...This...There are no words. Read more! Read more!

Okay, so, in other news, I'm the worst blogger ever, and yeah, you should all get over that. Because everyone should have better things to do than read about my meaningless ramblings. :P

But, in an attempt to get back into the swing of things before NaNoWriMo starts and I totally vanish from the face of the earth, you can expect the following before Friday:

-- a brief recap (what sucked, what didn't, ten points if you guess which has more on the list) of HSM 3

-- quick summary/outline of what's going on in November

-- if I can swing it from Susan, an update about the book, which is (tentatively) moving forward through the publishing process. Yay!

Alright, kittens, hang in there. Stay fierce.

xoxoxo
Read more! Read more!

apologies and atonement

So as you know, this Thursday was the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. Well, Holy Day, not so much holiday. Anyway, it's all about atoning for your sins, saying sorry, etc. etc.

I've always found this day to be very confusing. On the one hand, it's a great concept--you sin all year, say you're sorry, and get a clean slate for the new year. But the thing is, even though there's a part of the service where you say you'll do your best to improve and sin less, there's no consequence for NOT doing so. So I guess what I'm saying is, where's the motivation?

I don't know. I'm going to make an effort to be less of a douchebag, that much I know. But I wish there was some sort of underlying SOMETHING to make me WANT to be better, other than just the guilty conscience that comes with NOT being better. The whole honor system is good--I like that I'm a member of a religion where God trusts us enough to control our own lives. But still, I don't know if I trust us enough to control our own lives.

But I guess that's the whole thing in and of itself--God gave us the right to make our own decisions, and we have the responsibility to make those decisions.

But seriously--a little guidance couldn't hurt, right? Read more! Read more!

something to make things bearable...

So, watching last night's presidential debate was...um, how should I put this gently...agonizing. I seriously can't listen to John McCain talk for very long. And honestly, I'm dreading listening to Palin talk on Thursday. But to make things a little easier to bear, I give you the 2008 Presidential Debate Drinking Game. (general edition...specific topics to follow :P)

TAKE A SHOT:

-When the buzzwords “change” or “maverick” or “hope” are used

-When someone says “I voted for or against” or “He voted for or against”

-When McCain refers to Obama’s “inexperience”

-When McCain stammers and looks like he might have a heart attack

-When McCain somehow works in his personal story as a POW during Vietnam

-When McCain refers to the moderator as “my friend” or the audience as “my friends”

-When Obama somehow works in his personal story of being raised by a single mom and his grandparents

-When Obama makes a smirk, shakes his head, and says, “Now wait just a minute…” or “hold on there…”

-When Obama makes the case that McCain and Bush are one and the same or uses the phrase “more of the same”

-When Obama talks about “multi-tasking” or having to address more than one crisis at a time as president

-When anyone brings up “suspending the campaign”

-When either one lays claims to being “bipartisan” or working “across the aisle”

-It’s a Social when Sarah Palin is mentioned!

-Finish whatever you are drinking if McCain loses his temper! Read more! Read more!

Previously on Project Runway: The designers had to make over a bunch of borderline-attractive college graduates with outfits that fit their new careers. Kenley found her twin, Jerell won his second challenge in a row, and Joe’s ugly outfit got him the auf.

We open with Suede fretting about being in the bottom two for the umpteenth time, saying Joe’s auf saved him last time but he really needs to shape up the game. Ooh, foreshadowing. Over in the girls’ apartment, Leanne interviews that she’d really like the final three to be all women, since that’s never happened, but she’d settle for taking Jerell, because they can put him in a wig. Lol!


On the runway, Heidi breaks out the black bag for some pointless model selection, since apparently they won’t be using models for this challenge anyway. My mother marvels at the fact that Heidi’s had children, and remarks that it’s hugely unfair. Models, models, models—oh hey! Drama! Leanne took Suede’s model Tia, saying that she was such a good model that she gave Suede an advantage. Damn, Leanimal’s claws are OUT! Suede calls her move “very second grade”. Like you can talk, honey. You speak in the third person. Heidi sends the designers to the workroom to learn about the challenge. “I see you on the runway!”

Tim tells the designers that they will be designing for…each other! Wow! That’s so creative, Project Runway! That’s never been done before!

Oh. Wait. Season 2. The challenge that tore my OTP apart. (Nick/Daniel V, for those of you who are confused.) This is really the season for re-using challenges, huh? C’mon, producers/writers, you can do better than this.

…Actually, you probably can’t. Keep up the mediocre work, guys.

Anyway, the challenge has a twist—each designer will also be assigned a musical genre. That genre will have to be displayed in the outfit designed for them.

So! The matches are:

Korto – Suede (punk)
Suede – Jerell (rock n’ roll)
Jerell – Kenley (pop)

Pardon me while I LOL MYSELF TO DEATH.

Kenley – Leanne (hip-hop)
Leanne – Korto (country)

Okay, seriously, these have to be scripted. Please. There’s no way this shit is actually random, unless God is a SERIOUS reality television fan.

Although, considering we live in a world where Keeping Up with the Kardashians was renewed for a second season…God’s totally a reality TV fan.

Consultations! Nothing really amusing, except for Kenley butting in on Leanne’s consult with Korto to ask her to try on shoes. I don’t like Kenley. I hope she goes home.

Also, Korto’s planning to put Suede in tight pants. I’m not sure how I feel about this yet.

Off to Mood! The designers bustle, snip, and buy. I went on the Mood website a while ago, and that shit is SERIOUSLY expensive. Like, $9.00 a yard for your standard chiffon. I could get that at JoAnn’s for like $5 a yard. Just saying. But, whatever. Tim doesn’t think Kenley’s fabric is hip-hop. I’m totally excited for the Tim-Kenley bitchfest I saw in the preview. I hope he slaps her.

THANK YOU MOOD!

The designers head back to the workroom and get to work. Kenley’s outfit, judging by the sketches, is so far from hip-hop it’s scary. Jerell’s working with fishnets. I’m bored.

With four hours left in the day, Tim comes in for check-in. I’m dancing on the edge of my seat, kittens, seriously. He likes Leanne’s silhouette, and that’s really all I heard.

And then he got to Kenley. “Kenley, is this hip-hop?” “Of course Tim, it’s totally hip hop.” “Well, when I think hip-hop, I think…oversized.” “No, Tim. That’s eighties hip hop.”

Homosaywhat?

Kenley says she doesn’t want to make Leanne look ridiculous. Tim says he’s just trying to understand her, and says it would help if she removed the sarcasm from her tone. OH NO SHE DIDN’T. He tells her to work on it, and she interviews, and I shit you not: “What does Tim know about hip hop, anyway?”

Oh my God. Her wannabe-vintage ass better gtf off my show.

It’s the day of the runway show! Jerell interviews that he could have sabotaged Suede. Apparently he really thought about it. Kenley thinks she has this one in the bag because her outfit is “totally hip hop”.

In the workroom, Kenley is continuing to primp her ugly-ass outfit for Leanne.

The designers head out to hair and makeup, and seriously, kittens, this is the highlight of my evening. Kenley looks like Miley Cyrus and I shit you not, Suede looks like a drag queen. He even says, “I feel like I should have been in the drag queen challenge.” Oh my God, I love it. Jerell’s really confident, and thinks he should win this one—especially since no one’s ever one three in a row. True. I think Christian’s the only one to ever win three period, so I can see how Jerell would be pretty stoked.
This week’s poll: Was Kenley disrespectful to Tim? A: Yes! Leave Tim alone! B: No, That’s just Kenley! C: All’s fair in fashion.
I say A—just so we can get that dude with the “leave Britney alone” video back. “LEAVE TIM ALONE!!” complete with running eyeliner and…ahaha. I love it. :P

The designers bustle around getting dressed and…I hate pretty much everything. Well, no, that’s not true. I really just hate Kenley’s. Everyone else…I’m kind of indifferent. Although I do like what Korto did with Suede’s pants. And I love the boots Jerell’s wearing. Very rock n’ roll. Or…very gay. But I find the two often cross over. Just look at the Beatles. And Jon bon Jovi. And…yeah.

I don’t know what’s worse—Kenley’s outfit or how much she thinks she’s going to win.

RUNWAY! Heidi explains to the judges why the designer’s chairs are empty. She gives the judges the challenge, and introduces the guest judge, LL Cool J. Um…I don’t really know what he has to do with fashion, or why he would possibly be a good person to judge this challenge.

Let’s start the show.

Leanne – Purple shirt tied at the neck and waist, fishtail skirt with weird Wonder Woman belt, checkered scarf, and cowgirl boots. It’s cute, but the country aspect of it is very subtle. If I hadn’t known it was country, I probably wouldn’t have gotten it. Also, peacock earrings? Really?

Jerell – He was going for Kenley Spears, and I’m getting Kenley Spears-Winehouse, but I think that’s just hair and makeup. The dress itself is very pop, actually—fishnet with a very short skirt, diamond-studded collar, and some sort of weird rhinestone bra underneath. There’s a short blue fur vest over it. It’s very blue. Personally when I think pop the first color that comes to mind is pink, but I like that he took it in another direction.

Kenley – Ugh what a trainwreck. High-waisted jeans (the crotch is, to quote Kors, “insane!”) with a very tight, puckery crotch and big gold buttons, tank top in Kenley’s favorite eighties couch fabric, cropped leather jacket with elbow-length sleeves. Lots of bulky gold jewelry, which I have decided to call “Bluefly Bling”. Points to Leanne for having a bit of fun with it, walking all “ghetto-like” down the runway and posing at the end, though Sourface Kenley (look, Victorya, I found you a friend!) calls her a poseur in her interview.

Korto – Punk rock meets drag, I shit you not. Black jeans that she’s bleached in places to make this really cool orange-splattering effect. They’re tight, but not obscenely so. The shirt has weird stripes on it that kind of look like claw marks. Apparently they’re made of suede. Aw!

Suede – Gay Mick Jagger. Tight black pants with some kind of texturing, a slightly structured black vest (leather, I think?) and a weird pinkish tank top that looks kind of like…everything else Jerell wears. I get rock n’ roll, but subtle rock n’ roll. Rock n’ roll chilling in the tour bus.

They didn’t suck as much as I thought. Except for Kenley. I still hated Kenley’s though.

Judging: I still don’t understand why Heidi has to introduce the judges every episode. The people who watch the show know who they are, the people randomly watching the show don’t care, and the designers certainly don’t give a shit anymore. It’s probably in Nina’s contract to get her name dropped, though, so Kors probably followed suit. Apparently LL has a clothing line out. Oh, that explains it.

Korto – LL likes the energy and the perspective—punk without being over the top. He loves the bleaching on the pants. Nina thinks it looks like Marilyn Manson, leading me to believe that Nina doesn’t know who Marilyn Manson is. Kors likes that he can look past the flashiness just to the silhouette and really likes it. I think…he may have just hit on Suede. Not sure how I feel about that.

Suede – Kors likes the vest, but not the pants—they’re boring. Suede says there’s actually a lot of details on them, but LL says that subtlety doesn’t really work on stage. Nina thinks there’s not enough umph, and Heidi says Jerell just looks like Jerell. Uh-oh. Suede is worried.

Jerell – Nina thinks it looks great—“Britney as a brunette,” she says. She likes it because it’s exposing her, but she doesn’t look naked. She likes the silver. Heidi would have liked to see more breast support, but LL thinks there’s more than enough support, but wants to see more skin. (Um…ew.) Kenley takes off the vest and LL gets his wish. Kors thinks it’s sexy, but not vulgar. Looks like Jerell might just get that third win!

Kenley – Heidi thinks they’re “the most unflattering pants” she’s ever seen in her life. LL thinks the high-waisted pants are a problem—they don’t read hip-hop at all. Kenley says the challenge was really hard for her to work with, but Nina tells her to get over it, because everyone’s was hard, not just hers. Kenley says “alright” and I swear to God my thirteen-year-old sister is more mature than this girl. I need her off my show—now.

(Also, I’d like to say that during Kenley’s little bitchfest, Suede looks more dignified than Kenley—even in drag makeup and six colors of hair dye.)

Leanne – Nina likes the color and the silhouette, but would have liked more “umph”. Heidi likes it, thinks it looks great—the skirt is very flattering. Kors thinks it could have had a bit more. LL says he likes it, but he wouldn’t recognize it as country.

I’m really thinking Kenley’s gone. Please make Kenley be gone.

The judges deliberate. They like Jerell—it’s revealing without being trashy. They love Korto—she might get the win on this one. Suede is “rock n’ roll going to the grocery store”…not nearly enough crazy. Kenley’s was “something I could buy at the mall”, very unflattering and boring. Leanne started in the right direction, but didn’t go far enough. Not bad, just quiet.

Polls say Kenley’s a disrespectful bitch—88%. WOW. Good thing she’s going to get eliminated tonight. Smiley face.

Back on the runway, Korto is the winner! Sorry, Jerell. You’ve still got another shot to get a third win, though. She’s really excited because not only did she do punk, she did menswear! Good job, Korto. Jerell is in. Leanne is in.

Suede played it safe when he should have turned up the volume. Kenley missed the attitue of hip-hop completely. Kenley is…

WHAT??

Kenley is in, Suede is out, and my world has exploded.

I’m sorry, but Suede didn’t deserve the auf this week. His outfit might not have been fantastically rock n’ roll, but it was well made and fit well. Kenley had ass written all over her outfit, she was disrespectful to judges, and she’s completely unprofessional. She better get out of here next week.

Next week: The designers go on a field trip, the client is Hedda Lettuce, Kenley’s missing fabric, no one cares about Kenley being sad, Kenley is once again bitching to the judges, and if that bitch isn’t off my screen by 9:59 next Wednesday, I will be MOST put out.

See you next week, kittens. :)
Read more! Read more!

"Tim, like, totally, like, doesn't get me."

This is Kenley.

Kenley is ANNOYING AS HELL.

That's all.

Read more! Read more!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh Isis. Mah girl. :(

For those of you who don't watch ANTM, Isis was the fierce tranny who totally rocked my life. She got eliminated tonight.

:(

:(

Srsly. I'm so sad.

Stay fierce, Isis. Stay so fierce.





Ah, whatever. You've got high fashion written all over your face, you'll be in Vogue by January.

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live long and prosper

Aww, congrats Sulu!

Mazel tov to George Takei and his partner of 21 years. :)


Read more! Read more!

On a lighter note...

So, as you all know, I've recently started taking classes at UMASS Boston to kill some time this semester. This seemed like a great idea...at the time.

MMkay, kittens--here's the thing. I'm used to being around really smart people. I mean, really--I got into an almost-Ivy League school.

So you can imagine my surprise when, in my Stagecraft class, we were talking about Paris's death at the end of Romeo and Juliet when suddenly someone asks, "Wait. Paris Hilton's in this play?"

OMGWTFSAVEME.

January can't come fast enough. Read more! Read more!

Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes...

Yes, kittens, it's sad but true. My adorable Ford Focus, Priscilla, has sadly been pronounced a loss cause by my insurance company.

:(

She will be dearly missed.







Also, I'm now in the market for a new car. Ideas? Read more! Read more!

real vampires USE their fangs...

So my friend and I got to talking about what would happen if the vampires from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles ever read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. This is what happened.

Lestat dropped a pile of books on Louis’s desk with an audible thud. “Have you read this drivel?”
In times like these, Louis had learned that it was far better to just indulge Lestat. Sighing, he set his pen down. “Read what?”
“This—” Lestat gestured wildly, apparently too annoyed to form proper sentences. “This Twilight trash! Everyone’s clamoring about how beautiful and noble these Cullen vampires are, and…” he trailed off, blue eyes narrowing. “You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?”
Louis didn’t even bother pretending to hide his amusement. “Because, my dear, you’re rambling like a nonsensical idiot about a few books.”
Lestat snorted. “This is not ‘a few books’. This is a literary sensation that’s ruining our image.”
Ever the drama queen, Louis thought fondly. “I suppose you’d like me to read these, rather than just agreeing with you on principle?” Lestat sniffed indignantly and nodded, handing him a pair of gloves. Louis frowned. “What are these for?”
“Filth,” Lestat said firmly, “is contagious.”
Louis sighed and slid the gloves on, reaching across the desk to pick up the first book. Cracking the cover—it appeared Lestat had bought them brand-new—he settled back in his chair to read. An hour later, he set it aside and picked up the second one.
Oh, really. Was…he glanced at the back cover…Stephanie Meyer serious? He snorted.
Lestat glanced up. “I told you so.”
“You don’t even know what part I’m on yet.”
“It’s the principle of the thing,” Lestat said mildly, turning one of Louis’s magazines on its side. “Trés scandaleux, Louis. I had no idea your tastes ran to blondes.”
“Just to you,” Louis said absently, and pointedly ignored Lestat’s coo of delight as he turned the page.
It took him three hours more, and then he closed Breaking Dawn with an audible snap.
Lestat glanced up. “Well?”
“Well.” Louis nudged the book away from him in distaste. “I’m fairly certain I could kick this Edward fellow’s ass all the way back to Marius, and let him and Armand have their wicked way with him.”
Lestat got to his feet and crossed the room, draping himself in Louis’s lap. “I love it,” he purred, “when you talk dirty.”
Louis smiled. Sometimes, indulging Lestat really paid off. “Oh, do you?” he flicked a few strands of blond hair off Lestat’s shoulder. “Prove it.”
Smirking, Lestat did.


There you have it, folks. Real vampires are scary and dangerous and very, very gay. :) Carry on. Read more! Read more!

Yeah. So. About that updating...thing.

Um...oops.

Sorry?

Will post more often in future. Hopefully.

..Yeah. Right.

*cough* Read more! Read more!

Listening.

So the other day on a teva hike, Yuri told us to take a few minutes to just sit by ourselves and listen to everything around us. He wanted us to try and hear at least three different things really clearly. I tried, but I could really only focus on the wind.

The thing with wind is that it does so many different things. It whispers, it shrieks, it cries, it wails, it sighs; it blows, it brushes, it tears, it pulls. It goes from calmness to gale-force, and everything in between.

Old Native American legends said that trees could talk to one another, but they never mentioned the means by which they did it. My guess? The wind. Think about it. Think of the inflections of the human voice, the intonations, the levels of emotion and sound. Now think of what you hear in the wind, the hundreds of thousands of variations in the way it blows. Every breeze could be a whisper, every gust a laugh, every gale a shout, a scream, a cry for help.

It might be nothing. But what if the trees are talking to each other? What if they're studying us the same way we study them? What if they find us beautiful but deadly, interesting but impossible to understand--the same way we do? And they talk about us; they gossip through the wind like children, like schoolgirls, like people. And if they can communicate, if they can talk and laugh and cry, they can probably feel, too. So maybe we should start showing them a little respect before we cut them down.

It's funny what you think about when you just take the time to listen. Read more! Read more!

Worst blogger ever

So the basic idea of blogging, apparently, is to do it often. And clearly I'm not very good at this, because my last post was over a month ago. And I'll probably post even LESS often, because I'm at jew camp and computer/internet access is less than guaranteed.

Oh well. I'm making an effort. :) Expect two more posts tonight. Read more! Read more!

The Great Gatsby in 60 Seconds

Well, I did one for Ethan Frome, which sucked a lot more than this, but I figured I might as well. I actually liked Gatsby, but what can you do? Sometimes you just need to bash things. :)

Nick: I don't like to judge people. Especially Gatsby, because even though he exemplified everything I hate in a person, he pwned.

So, without further ado: The Great Gatsby in 60 Seconds.



Tom: I am big and hulking and cheating on my wife! Grar!

Daisy: Hey, Nick. This is my second cousin twice removed on my mother's nephew's side, Jordan.

Jordan: 'Sup?

Nick: Aoh. Hey.

Gatsby: Hey, Nick. I think you're pretty awesome. Let's be BFFs.

Nick: Okay.

Gatsby: BTW, I used to totally have a thing for your cousin Daisy. Think you can hook me back up with that?

Daisy: I love you, Gatsby!

Gatsby: :)

Daisy: And these are the greatest shirts EVER!

Nick: ...?

(insert several pages of background-related spoilers, essentially that Jay Gatsby=James Gatz, and he totally changed his identity. Keep your SS number a secret, girls!)

Gatsby: Tom, I'm screwing your wife.

Tom: WTF?

Daisy: Also, I just ran over your mistress.

Tom: WTF????

Tom's Mistress's Husband: This is all your fault, Gatsby! I keel j00!

Gatsby: BLARGH! *ded*

Nick: NOOOOOOOO!

All of Gatsby's 'Friends': Yeah, uh, about that funeral...we're totally not going.

Nick: Bitches.

Daisy: I never really liked him, I'm just going to chill here with my douchey husband.

Nick: Fuck all y'all. I'm going back to Chicago.

THE END.
Read more! Read more!

End of an Era

As we speak, I'm sitting in the band room before intermission of my last show at North Attleboro High School. It's closing night of the musical, my last horrah as a senior, and I've got some mixed feelings.

On the one hand, I'm kind of glad it's over. I'm sick of the long nights, the stress, the crying, the endless drama. I'm sick of coming home in tears after cast lists and rehearsals, feeling like I'm not good enough or pretty enough or tall enough or whatever enough to get a part. I'm sick of You-Know-Who's regime and bitchy people and comments that are supposed to be funny but actually really hurt. I'm sick of just about everything, actually.

But on the other hand, I'm sad. I love pretty much 90% of the theatre company's members--I've grown up with these people, grown from a sad, angry freshman to a (somewhat) mature senior. They've helped me through some tough transitions and even tougher times, and I've helped them back. We've banded together through some serious shit. We've laughed together, we've cried together, we've bashed the living crap out of each other, and through it all we've pretty much always loved each other.

So it's the end of an era. I'm moving on to new things, new theatres. Maybe I'll come back and visit, maybe I won't. Who knows?

To Kyle, Maria, Tiffani, Vanessa, Jesse, Bridget, Britney, Meghan and Justin: we've had a great run, you guys. It's been an amazing four years that I will never, ever forget. I love all of you.

To everyone else: good luck, hang in there, and don't forget what we seniors taught you. :) Read more! Read more!

Anime Boston 2008 Recap

Okay! So, the weekend started out on Thursday afternoon when I went to go pick Deb up from the station in Providence. This was an adventure all on its own, as parallel parking on a main street in Prov is always crazy stuff. It took me like four tries. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Deb and I headed home and I finished my costume (because I like to procrastinate!) while she worked on a program for NFTY. Something about making up Israelis on Facebook. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. Then we watched Make Me a Supermodel because Princess Fierce was on it, and we’re very loyal to her. Nah, who am I kidding? We’d watch it anyway.

Friday started out fairly relaxed, save for some cosplay drama which I won’t even go into because it’s ridiculous. Deb and I ran out to Shaw’s to grab some food so that we wouldn’t have to pay bunches of money at the con. We bought granola (which was delicious), cup o’ noodles (also yummy!), apples (healthy and delicious!) and peanut butter, which…neither of us really ate. I think Deb had some on an apple or something. Kind of a waste of $2.43. Which I remember, because…I’m a Jew.

We headed out to the Attleboro station for a 12.02 train—a little later than we wanted, but what can you do? The train was actually on time (!!!) and we trooped on with our giant duffles and roll-ons and my wig box and played Spot the Otaku as various people got on the train.

We got into Back Bay at about 1.00 and followed a crowd of in-costumed otaku through Copley and into the Marriot. Deb checked us in while I talked to Kitty, who was a member of Team Evil (more on this later), and then we went upstairs to settle in very briefly. I got changed and put on the Shoes from Hell (five inch heels—I measured) and put on my adorable little pink wig, and then we grabbed our purses and trooped downstairs.

This year registration was inside the Hynes, so we followed the signs into a giant exhibition hall where we encountered The Line. We were in The Line—the pre-reg line, mind you—for four hours and seventeen minutes. We counted. Because there was nothing else to do.

During this four hours we:

- watched no fewer than three mental breakdowns
- lost The Game (ha ha!) six times
- danced
- broke out into song
- explained various cosplay/AB events
- took pictures of a (gorgeous) male Sailor Mars cosplayer. Can’t even explain how awesome his legs were.
- ate really bad Hynes pizza
- contemplated both suicide and homicide
- took several trips to the front of the line to see how far it went
- talked to some really nice staff people who told us to hang in there for X many more hours

Finally we got our badges and started to head downstairs. It was about 6.30 at this point and we were sort of browsing our con books to see what was really around to do at this point. Deb, of course, was legal to go to the 18+ Dating Game, but I, as we know, was not. :( So we were heading down to see what we wanted to do and maybe sit down for a few minutes when we ran into Lupe, the very nice staff member who talked to us in line. She said she was going to get some water to distribute to the people in line, who were on the verge of passing out. Being the Jewish mothers that we are, we decided to help out.

Deb and I spent the next two hours or so carrying trays of water to people in line, making sure everyone stayed hydrated. I was called “God”, “Jesus”, and “Lovely pink-haired bearer of watery goodness”. The line finally wound down at about eight-thirty (they cut off the line at eight, I think) and, amused but thoroughly exhausted, Deb and I trooped back up to our hotel room.

(During the water-distribution period, Deb very subtly asked Lupe if there was any way to sneak me into the 18+ Dating Game. Lupe tried to pull some strings, but the policy was made due to legal issues and so she was stuck. But all the same, it was really nice of her to try! Thanks so much, Lupe!)

Back in the room, we showered, did the PJ thing, made some ramen, and settled down to watch a House rerun. It was the one where Cameron killed that old guy who wanted to die. Blah, blah, blah. Cameron’s such a useless character. We pretty much went to sleep at about 10.00, which is obscenely early for any decent, self-respecting con-goer, but whatever.

We woke up at about 8.30 on Saturday. There was a second screening of the AMV contest, and we decided to go watch it. Highlights included:

- “Serenade”, or as I like to call it, “the most obnoxious AMV ever made”: an Evangelion video to “I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody’s Nerves” with a rickroll at the end.
- “Bustin’”: a FFVII video to “Ghostbusters”
- “Twincest”: an Ouran High School Host Club video to “I Touch Myself”

After the screening, we decided to head into the dealer’s room. After some browsing, we split the cost of some yaoi manga and I got my picture taken a few times. It was about 12.00 at this point, and we decided to go get in line for the Anime Dating Game. During this line wait, my mom called and told me I’d been accepted to Brandeis! Yay! More on that in a later post. Also, we very briefly met up with my friend Rachael, which was nice.

The Dating Game was a lot of fun. I don’t remember the participants so much as the banter between the hosts, which were Naruto and Ed Elric. The usual digs were made—short jokes at Ed’s expense, various jabs at the dub of Naruto (“believe it!!”) and also Naruto informed everyone that not only had we lost The Game (ha!), but that we would continue to lose The Game whenever someone mentioned anime conventions (true), microphones (understandable, as he was speaking into one) and package delivery trucks (…okay?).

The Game (ha!) itself was pretty good, though I don’t remember exactly who picked who. There was, however, some Cosplot drama toward the end, when it was revealed that the Ouran High School Host Club was supposed to host the Dating Game, but Ed attacked them and tied them up, hiding them under a table! (The Hitachiin twins of course were tied together, and many comments were made about it.) And then, to make matters worse, represents of Team Evil came and took half the contestants (including Honey-sempai! Oh noes!) hostage, saying that they’d hold onto them unless able to make demands at the Masquerade! K-san (Ada) of course granted their request, knowing mass murder would ensue if anything happened to Honey-sempai.

Worried as we were about Honey-sempai, Deb and I decided it would be much more prudent to head up to the room and grab some food before getting into the Line From Hell Part II—otherwise known as the Masquerade Line. We made some ramen and read some manga and then grabbed the box of granola and trooped back downstairs to get back in the Line. We got in early enough that it had only stretched down about one hallway, and we snagged the last bit of wall before it jumped across the dealer’s room. We made very “good friends” with some random line-sitters, bashed some narutards, and got a little nervous about the sheer numbers of people wearing V for Vendetta masks (seriously, it was a little creepy), and finally headed into Main Events at around 6.00. Not bad, considering we got into line at about 3.00. :)

The Masq pre-show was pretty funny this year. It included a sing-along to "Still Alive" (from Portal and also That Amazing AMV mentioned above), con wishes from the chairwoman, and a TON of Good Idea/Bad Idea, some of which I will share with you now.

Good Idea: Hitting on a cute cosplay girl.
Bad Idea: Accidentally hitting on a cute crossplay boy.

Good Idea: Lolcats. “i can has pocki?”
Bad Idea: Lolcatgirls. “i are not a furry. >.< “ Good Idea: Learning the words to your favorite song. Bad Idea: “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...” Worse Idea: “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves...” Good Idea: Cosplay Chess. Bad Idea: Cosplay Chess...full contact. Good Idea: Going to hentai dubbing with your friends. Bad Idea: Going to hentai dubbing...with your mom.

Mmkay, moving on to the Masq itself. Cosplot aside, I thought it was a little dull. This will sound bitchy of me, but I think it might be time to stop the first-come-first-serve process of Masquerade placement. I mean, there was one walk-on where two guys just slouched onstage wearing street clothes, gazed around moodily, and then slouched off. Um, hello? I know people with way better costumes than that who weren’t able to get in because they weren’t online at 2.53 a.m. on the day Masquerade applications came online, and it’s just really unfortunate. I know that they get TONS of people applying for the Masq and it’d be a bitch to go through applications, but let’s get a committee together or something. Fuck, we’re the best con in New England, bitches! Let’s keep it that way and not let the quality of our cosplay events suffer. Highlights of the Masquerade:

- Lauren Goodnight and Mike “Voice of God” Lee’s fabulous banter. There seemed to be a little less of it than in past years, but it was still funny.
- Sketch’s light-up costume. OMG YES.
- Duck-hunt ninjas. Don’t ask, just youtube it. Trust me.

Deb and I left about halfway through the award ceremony (it was long and boring, and frankly by 11.00 we were fucking TIRED), but we could go to bed because there was a Cosplay Chess leaders meeting that I had to get there. Damn my role. -_-;; The meeting wasn’t supposed to take place until after the Masq, but I headed up to Cosplay HQ anyway to find a few people already there. Deb hung out for awhile, but eventually I just told her to go to bed—I figured there was no reason for BOTH of us to be exhausted.

The meeting itself went pretty quickly once Ada and everyone showed up—I was going to take notes, but it ended up just being clarification of things we’d mostly already known. Mostly we just worked out specifics of the beginning and the end, which were the most complicated parts of the game—and when I say complicated, I mean complicated.

Ada let us go around 11.30 and I dragged myself back to the room, had some ramen—which Deb had so helpfully prepared for me, I love that woman to death—and then flopped down and went to bed. OMG SO TIRED.

Sunday morning started around 8.30. Deb and I figured the night before that we should get all packed before we left and check our bags out before heading out to the con. I woke up first, got in the shower, and then threw a pillow at Deb (not really, lol) to wake her up while I got into my Shuichi gear. Let me tell you, it was GREAT to be a boy again! Well, kinda. You know how Shuichi is. Just kidding, gay rights activists. Chill out.

We headed downstairs at about 9.15. Deb checked us out and then we both checked our bags with some very helpful AB staff members. We had enough time to make a quick sweep of Artist’s Alley, but we didn’t buy anything, just talked to a few people and hung out for a little bit before heading down to the Cosplay Chess rehearsal at 10.00. Deb got us breakfast at DD’s (seriously, did I mention that I love this woman to death?) and snuck a few minutes after me.

The rehearsal was pretty well-organized. I was entrusted with the Emergency Anti-Roy Mustang Super Soaker. I never got to use it (*sad face*) but it was nice of K-san to give it to me just the same. ^^

So, essentially my job was to be in charge of two of the four onstage microphones, i.e. handing them out when they were needed. Unfortunately, despite my shockingly pink hair, I was generally stationed behind Ada and a lot of tall cosplayers, which made it very hard for me to actually see people who needed mics. Fortunately Sketch and B-kun both had microphones and were able to see people a lot better than I could. Thanks again, guys!

The game (ha ha!) was very, very complicated this year. We started out awarding the prizes/humiliations for the Catch the Barrel competition, which I don’t understand at all and hence will not recap. Then, as K-san was about to introduce the chess pieces for the Good vs. Evil game, Jiraiya and Roy Mustang announced that since the kids made plans for the Good vs. Evil game without the adults’ approval, they wouldn’t play. They handed over a proposed list of chess pieces for a Kids vs. Grown Ups game. K-san protested, saying that “There’s no one we can use for chess players who epitomizes THAT rivalry!”

Cue the Neon Genesis Evangelion music, and out trooped Shinji, Gendou, Misato, Rei, and Asuka. After some screeching and squirming, Shinji agreed to play a chess game against Gendo, and the pieces were in place.

The game (ha!) went pretty smoothly, for the most part, until suddenly Team Evil came onstage and randomly murdered members of the Kid’s team! Being Shuichi, I promptly informed K-san that I was terrified and proceeded to hide behind the podium with Team Sit in the Corner and Sulk (Team SITCAS, as we fondly referred to them), which consisted of Sasuke, Tamaki, and...um...I think someone else but I don’t remember who.

More murders, more chess, etc. etc. We actually had to cut the game very short, due to time constraints, and what would have ended in a checkmate ended in Gendo (rather uncharacteristically, I think) surrendering to Shinji. The display screens read, in very large letters: “WINNER: THE KIDS!!”.

But then, suddenly, Team Evil stormed the stage and promptly started killing everyone!

WINNER: TEAM EVIL!

Suddenly, Team Evil dropped dead onstage, and Raito walked onstage quite smugly, Death Note in Hand.

WINNER: KIRA!

But THEN, Mello, Near, and Leon stormed the board and cuffed Raito, informing him that they had switched his Death Note with a fake one. Team Evil came back to life as Leon walked Raito offstage, reading him his Miranda Rights.

WINNER: JUSTICE?

Just when it looked like the now-revived Team Evil would win, who should appear but...THE PIRATES! Team Evil was so shocked that the Pirates were able to defeat all of them!

WINNER: PIRATES!!

Using their victory as leverage, the Pirates convinced K-san to lift the Pirate-fighting ban. Since the Pirates were just declared the saviors of Anime Boston, K-san agreed, and the Pirates were re-installed as the Ninjas Official Rivals—kinda puts the Shinigami out of luck, huh?

So, with that, the game (ha, ha!) was over, and Ada dismissed us after a quick cleanup of backstage. Deb and I trooped upstairs and got into OH MY FUCKING GOD ANOTHER LINE to pick up our bags. We were only in it for about an hour, but SERIOUSLY PEOPLE. Fortunately I am a very patient person and managed to keep my head about me, but it was NOT fierce.

We finally got our stuff around 3.30 and I got changed in the bathroom. Deb and I went downstairs and had lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, which was delicious, and then headed out to Back Bay. We got completely disoriented because I’m used to leaving AB through the Sheraton, but we still managed to skid into the station at 4.43—plenty of time to spare before Deb’s 4.45 train to NY and my 4.50 train back to Attleboro. :)

Hugs were exchanged and I saw her on to the train before getting onto mine. But the con love didn’t end there! I started talking to a very familiar-looking girl in the station, who turned out to be none other than Val, my Yuki from last year! I hadn’t spoken to her since AB07, and we were taking the same train home! It was very small world and amusing, and we had a jolly old time chatting on the train ride back to Attleboro.

So, that was that! The con was great this year, and I had an awesome time. No telling what next year’ll bring, but expect awesome cosplay from my end. Plans are in the works, but they’re Very Secret. :)

Who knows, maybe I’ll even get a camera so I can take some pictures.

Oh, and also? You all just lost The Game. :)

Have a great day! Read more! Read more!

Ethan Frome in 60 Seconds

So, I've decided that the books we read in AP English are stupid. So I thought I'd summarize them to make them more readable.

So here it is: Ethan Frome in 60 Seconds.

Narrator: Hey, what's up with Ethan?

Starkfield Citizes: LOL, he's messed up.

Ethan: Hey, it's snowing. Come chill at my place.

Narrator: Okay. Hey, look. A flashback!

FLASHBACK

Ethan: I hate my wife.

Zeena: *cough* So ill. *cough*

Mattie: I'm full of life! Wheeee! Look, I wear red!

AP English Students: Look, a symbol!

Zeena: I'm going to go get a checkup.

Mattie: Ethan, I wanted to make you dinner while Zeena was away and I accidentally broke that Symbol of Your Marriage--I mean, Zeena's pickle dish!

Ethan: Don't worry. We'll hide the pieces and no one will ever know.

Zeena: Who the fuck broke my pickle dish?

Ethan: Oh snap.

Zeena: BTW, I think we need to replace Mattie.

Ethan: HOMOSAYWHAT?

Mattie: Ethan, your wife wants to get rid of me!

Ethan: I know.

Mattie: But I heart you!

Ethan: I heart you, too!

Mattie: Let's kill ourselves by sledding into this tree!

Ethan: Awesome! We can--wait, what?

Mattie: DO IT!

Ethan: Okay, okay, Jesus.

Mattie: ONE TWO THREE GO!

Ethan: *totally fucks up crash landing*

Elm: Oh snap, you suck.

Ethan: Goddamn it.

END FLASHBACK

Mattie: *crippled and retarded*

Zeena: I hate you all SO MUCH.

Starkfield Citizens: Would've been better if they died, graveyard symbolism, etc etc.

Narrator: I'm getting the fuckwit out of here.

THE END. Read more! Read more!

Wherever you go...

So I was in TEALUXE in Providence yesterday, and who should I run into but Ellis Rochelson? We had a very nice conversation about college and politics and religious self-help books. It was much amusing.

I love Jews. Read more! Read more!

Juicy Couture Sailing Tote

It's $225.00 and completely unnecessary, but OMG I WANT IT.

Goddamn my love of fashion. Read more! Read more!

The end of a very fierce journey

Well, kiddies, this is it. The end of the road. The big shebang. It’s been a long journey. There’s been laughter (Chris), there’ve been tears (Ricky), and now it’s time to bring it all to a close.

*tear*


PREVIOUSLY ON PROJECT RUNWAY: Home visits. Christian (Princess) is made out to be a friendless loser (which is not true), Jillian wears the fugliest Christmas sweater ever (which is true), Rami introduces his partner as his friend, and Chris has human hair on his clothes. Chris and Rami have a motherfucking walk-off. Chris is out, and Rami completes the Final 3.

The episode opens in the hotel room to which the designers have been assigned. Apparently Bravo has come to the conclusion that there’s no way any of these people are hooking up, so it’s totally okay to put them all in one room. After seeing the very different taste all of these people have in men, I think it’s a fair point. Although Jillian’s boyfriend kind of looks like Rami, if Rami had hair.

Princess Fierce is jumpy and anxious and just wants to get this shit over with. Jillian asks if her hair looks alright. It doesn’t, but honestly, if you’re asking hair advice from a bald dude and a cockatoo, you’re already in trouble. Rami makes an attempt at Princess’s “let’s go bitches” and the designers troop out.

Workroom! The designers make casual conversation and try not to look like they’re sizing up the competition. Princess is either looking at Rami’s collection or checking out his ass.

Tim Gunn (diva alias: “Poly Syballicus. I love this man.) enters for some mentoring. He takes a minute to mentally debate the “ladies first” rule and apparently decides Jillian is the most ladylike person in the room. Good thing, too, because Mumbles needs help. She proudly displays a black-and-white striped sweater that’s really cute…until you get to the sleeves. Which look like mops. There is no nice way to say this…they look like mops. And not the flat papery kind. The old-school stringy kind. It is not cute.



Tim tells Jillian that some parts of her collection are “incongruous” which is a smart way of saying “this shit looks like it was slapped randomly together at three a.m.—and you know how I feel about three a.m. decisions, bitch”. He does have a point, though. That sweater doesn’t work with anything, on the runway or off.

On to Rami! For all his fans’ bitching about how he should have been in the F3 from the beginning, they should be thanking TPTB that he got a chance to show his collection to the judges beforehand, because that fugly blue jacket has been removed from his collection. He shows Tim a vintage dress made almost completely of antique lace.



It’s gorgeous. I hate Rami with a passion—not as much passion as he has for draping, but with passion nonetheless—but this dress is, to quote the Princess, fierce. Tim uses the words “stunning” and “phenomenal”—The Gunn approves.

Moving onto Princess. I think I speak for all the viewers when I say that even though I’d already seen spoiler pictures of his collection, I wanted to see him show it off. But something’s wrong with Princess today—he seems nervous, anxious, almost worried. Tim asks where the “cocky, confident Christian” has gone, to which Princess miserably answers “I don’t know!” Nonetheless, he shows Tim a myriad of puffy-sleeved jackets and skinny pants. Predictable? Yes. But they’re pretty amazing. Tim asks if it’s over-designed and reminds Princess to edit.

Princess interviews that he’s getting a little worried. He says that both Jillian and Rami’s collections are really innovative and interesting. Who is this person, and what have they done with Princess Fierce? On the other hand, though, this side of Christian is actually kind of endearing. Kind of makes me want to hug him. Y’know…more than before. :P

It’s time for model casting! Princess gets his fierce back long enough to put on an ugly Sparta-style hat and strut his stuff across the workroom. Jillian is worried, because she’s never done a model casting before. No one is sympathetic.

Models, models, models, blah blah blah. I missed this part because I went to go make myself a sandwich. Rami says that some of the models were great, some were good, and some were tragic. I got back in time to see a few members of the latter category. Tranny messes, kiddies, I kid you not. Princess interviews that he wants “fierce tallness and walks for days”. Have I mentioned how much I love this kid? I think he should win just by that statement. How many PR-watching fashion executives do you think are now screaming into their phones at casting agencies “I NEED FIERCE TALLNESS AND WALKS FOR DAYS”? Many. You’re welcome, executives.

The designers take their new models for makeup consultations with Collier Strong. My mom wonders if this is his real name, and I have to explain the system of Gay Naming to her—when a gay man reaches a certain age, he changes his name to a fiercer, more fabulous version. Collier Strong probably used to be “Collin Stone” or something lame like that. Bo-ring. But “Collier Strong” is fierce. My mother gives me a look that’s somewhere between stunned disbelief and adorable consideration. I love my family.

Anyway, the consultations. Rami wants “chiseled”, Jillian wants “natural”, and Princess wants “gorgeous for days”. It’s all very predictable.

Model fittings! Rami takes the opportunity to look over at Princess’s collection and pronounces it “over the top”. He says Christian needs to learn to dress “women, not models”. Except for the part where this is a fashion show. Who do we dress at fashion shows again, O Seasoned Designer? That’s right. Models. Take your pretentiousness and shove it up your Banana-Republic-jean-covered ass.

I dislike Rami.

Princess’s models inform him that the shoes he’s picked are really hard to walk in. He informs them that he personally walked around his apartment in them for a week, and if can do it, they can do it. Amen, sister! That’s dedication right there. Princess dismisses his models with a loving goodbye—“Be really skinny! Don’t eat!” I take a moment to be amazed that Bravo left that in. I’m trying to figure out if they’re giving him the bitch edit or they sympathetic edit.

Jillian is freaking out, because the girls she chose don’t match and make her already-incongruous collection look even more so. Princess interviews that it’s her own fault. Jillian tries to get new models, but ends up stuck with her old ones. No one is sympathetic.

Hair consultation with TRESemmé Hair Queen Nathaniel. Jillian wants flirty and pretty. Rami does this really weird, Victorian braiding style. Princess’s instructions? “BE FIERCE!” What more do you need?

Tim Gunn arrives for one more gather-round pep talk. There is much sniffling and hugging, and the designers troop off to bed. Princess looks about four years old when he climbs into a giant bed with pillows that are bigger than he is.

OH GOOD MORNING, RUNWAY SHOW!

The designers wake up at 4:15 a.m. Everyone is freaking out. Jillian is shown surrounded by about six bags of hair products. My first thought is that it’s all hers, but then I remember that Princess’s bed is right next to hers, so some of that stuff might be his.

Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? Good luck with that fro, Jillian.

T minus 2 hours, and there’s utter chaos backstage at the tent. Two of Princess’s models are late, Jillian’s clothes are literally falling apart, and Rami has turned the pretentiousness knob up to eleven.

Okay, pause. Go back to the part where two of Princess’s models are late. Um, who the fuck shows up late to a Bryant Park fashion show? Somehow I just see that being career death.

Princess is freaking out. Like, nervous breakdown freaking out. There are almost tears—he swipes his eyes a few times, but nothing visible. But then his last missing model turns up and cocky Princess is back. Whew.

The usual pre-runway reminders. Rami’s from Jerusalem, where he turned into a fashionista queen to escape the religious conflict—and for the record, I’ve been to Jerusalem, and it’s really not all that bad—and how he’s passionate about draping and women’s bodies, etc, etc. Princess lets us know that he really needs to win because he’s broke. Well…so was Sweet P, sugar. It didn’t help her.

Crowd shots. I think every single person who’s ever been on Bravo was there. Oh, look, there’s Jack and Dale! (My sister takes this moment to squeal “Oh, look, the Bravo-cest boys!”. Did I mention that I love my family?) Posh Spice is there.

Fun Fact: When asked in an interview what celebrity he would like to hook up/make out with, Princess responded “David Beckham.” I wonder if Posh is aware of this.

Heidi introduces the judges. Michael Kors is wearing sunglasses. In a dark tent. LET’S START THE SHOW!

Jillian’s up first. Her hair looks almost-tame and her dress is adorable. She’s actually somewhat cute.

Her collection is very Jillian. A lot of jackets. Of the three collections, hers is the most wearable. Some outfits are actually very cute. A lot of knitwear. The fugly mop sweater still annoys me. I can’t get over it. I don’t like her ending piece at all.

My favorite look:



My least favorite look:



Rami is next. Very pretentious speech about celebrating women and blah blah blah. This exchange results:

My sister: Look at the bright side. He thinks women are sacred.
Me: And yet, he won’t touch them.
My sister: Why? Is he like…really religious?
Me: He’s gay.
My sister: …I feel as though I should have made that connection.

I don’t hate his collection. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s still very drapey and let’s face it, Grecian, but some of the pieces are gorgeous. I don’t really like his color palate—he uses some turquoises that clash with the bright reds, and it doesn’t work very well. The daytime dresses look a little forced. But the evening gowns are incredible. I think he should stick with that, personally—boy could make a killing just dressing award shows/red carpets. That’s definitely where his strength is. His pieces don’t look great in still images, which is why I had sort of counted him out, but the thing with draping is that it looks incredible in motion. Jersey is a very movable fabric and the clothes look gorgeous coming down the runway. Rami’s back in the game, kiddies, and he could very well win. I’m not happy about this.

My favorite look:



My least favorite look:

Toss up between this:



and this:



And now for the main event: Princess Fierce! He looks a little nervous at first, but quickly recovers. He informs the audience that they look “fierce”, and everyone falls in love with him a little bit.

Let me just start by saying that Princess did not come to Bryant Park to show a ready to wear line. He didn’t even come to show a remotely wearable line. He came to put on a fucking show, and put on a show he did. Hate on Princess all you want, but girlfriend knows how to deliver. (snap, snap, snap)

That being said, damn. The music starts, the girls come out, and the crowd goes wild. The collection is intense piece after intense piece. There’s a lot of volume and a lot of detail and not a lot of color. The sheer amount of black makes it kind of hard to see the details on the clothes, but it works for him. There is no low point to the show. Each piece is just as intense, if not more so, than the last. And bitch knows how to cast! He’s got pale girls wearing dark clothes and dark girls wearing light clothes—the contrasts between their skin and the clothes is tasteful but it ads to the effect. He thought this whole thing through more than the other two designers, I think, and it’ll probably work in his favor.

Also, a fun fact: his boyfriend wrote/produced the music for his show. Aw.

Princess interviews that he loves Victoria Beckham. Well Becks apparently loves Princess right back, because she’s smiling. That’s right: Posh is smiling. Game, set, match, bitches.

My favorite looks (I couldn’t pick just one):





My least favorite look:



If this competition was judged on showmanship alone, Princess has this in the bag. But the game’s not over until the fat lady sings—yes, Michael Kors, I’m talking about you.

Princess, trying to play it off casual, says lightly: “Whatever happens, happens—but I tell ya, I need a hundred grand!” I love this kid. SO MUCH. If he loses, I’ll adopt him as my pocket gay and he can be my stylist.

FOUR JUDGES JUDGING.

Everyone is impressed by the showmanship and the collections. Nina says that any of the collections could fit right into the rest of BP, no problem. This is high praise. I take it she wasn’t bored, then?

The designers trot out onto the runway, models in tow. Heidi reminds them of the prizes: new car, lots of money, Bluefly.com, a contract with Covergirl Cosmetics…oh, wait. Am I getting my shows mixed up? I need a new hobby.

Evaluations time! The judges start with Jillian. She carried her Met challenge inspiration over to her final collection, with military/equestrian-esque jackets. Kors thinks it’s feminine and chic, Posh says it’s beautifully made, and Heidi likes the new silhouettes. Nina says it was disjointed and that there were “too many inspirations” for one collection. Party Pooper.

Next is Princess. He’s very nervous when introducing his collection, almost endearingly tongue-tied. Kors says his collection was powerful and dramatic, and that the two-toned dress was “spec-tac-u-lar” (four words). Princess is starting to look a little happier. Posh loves his collection. She pronounces it “major”, which is apparently the British equivalent of “fierce”. She says it made her smile. Princess is beaming, and I can’t blame him.

Rami is last. Heidi loves his collection, which is not necessarily a good thing considering the fact that many of the things Heidi likes are considered tacky and strange, seeing as how she’s, y’know, German. Kors doesn’t like the color choices.

The designers are shooed off the runway and the judges deliberate. Nina says Princess “opened strong” and “delivered constantly”, high praise from the Queen of Mean. Posh continues to gush over how young and hip and adorable and major and etc Princess is. I start to grin because I’ve been rooting for Princess from day one and I’m starting to think he might win this thing.

They say things about the other contestants, too, but no one cares.

THREE FINALISTS FRETTING.

The designers come back onto the runway. Everyone looks very apprehensive. Heidi has her Tyra Elimination face on. I’m waiting for “Three amazing designers stand before me, but I only have one giant check in my hands…”

Jillian is out. She mumbles something grateful, gets the Kiss of Death from Heidi, and troops off to be smothered by her family her more-attractive-in-Long-Island boyfriend. Bye, Jillian! I didn’t completely dislike you!

TWO FINALISTS FREAKING.

It’s down to Princess and Rami. One whom I would be delighted to see win, one who I’ll flip a shit if he wins. Guess which is which.

Oh my God. Heidi hasn’t even said anything, and Princess is in tears. He controls himself for about half a second, but then his little baby face is scrunching up and tears are just streaming down his face and he’s blubbering like it’s the end of the world. It’s not pretty crying, but I think every viewer, even the ones who hate him, falls in love with him just a little bit in that moment.

“Congratulations…CHRISTIAN! YOU ARE THE WINNER OF PROJECT RUNWAY!”

ONE DESIGNER DANCING.

Princess breaks down, doubling over and sobbing into his hands, and then Rami’s shoulder, and then his hands, and then Rami again. I love this kid SO MUCH. Heidi tells him that he’s “uber-fierce”, Posh tells him that she wants him to design for him…I think his head might explode.

Tim comes out with Princess’s family. Hugs and kisses are exchanged, followed by this conversation:

Tim: Can you believe it?
Princess: Yep! *huge giant my-face-might-split-in-half grin*

So, congratulations, Princess. I was rooting for you to the beginning. You’re everyone’s favorite pocket-gay, and all your fans are very proud of you!



See you next season, kiddies! Stay fierce!
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Very Belated Reality-Show Update Post

1. Congratulations to my favorite reality show gayboi, Princess Fierce (Christian Siriano), for winning Project Runway!! I was rooting for you from day one, girlfriend. Congrats, and stay fierce. Enjoy your "vacay" and your "breaky-break". :P

2. There's all sorts of drama going on over in Make Me A Supermodel-land. The short version: if Casey goes home because the fangirls want to see Ben and Ronnie hook up, I will be most miffed. At this point, it's just getting old.

3. My second favorite reality show gayboi, Danny Noriega, was eliminated from American Idol this week. I call bullshit, because the poll updates showed Danny in fourth place for votes, and there's no way Jacuzzi ended up with more votes than Danny Boy(?). I smell corporate interference on FOX's part. Whassamatter, FOX? Too much gay for you? Well, whatever, Danny Boy(?). I still love you, no matter what you think Santa wants to do to my mom.

More extensive reality show recaps to follow, because I am made of fail. Read more! Read more!

Alright, seriously, tell me he's not adorable.

Alright, first of all, give me some credit. I resisted the pull of American Idol for seven years. But sometimes one clicks on the television and sees something so adorable that one just has to watch.

What is that something, you ask? That something, dear readers, is Danny Noriega.

Come on, seriously. Seriously! The kid's adorable! I mean...look at the hair! It's so...flippy! He's like...emo schoolgirl meets j-rock!

What? You want to know if he sings? Uh...yeah, I guess. Maybe. :P I'm just kidding, he's actually pretty good. He has a pretty manly voice for such a...ah...well, I'll be blunt, girly looking kid. But it's nice. It's got this sort of soothing baritone quality to it. Shelly approves.

Also, is it me, or is Idol like...way gay this season? I mean, Simon's used the word "fabulous" like six times in the last two episodes, and I'm about ninety percent sure that he's hit on like four male contestants. And Ryan, but that's a given.

Ah, the homos. WE'RE EVERYWHERE, BITCHES!

Read more! Read more!

OH MY GOD.

I already had some issues with Beefcake/Rami, because he kind of annoys me with his bitchiness and pretentiousness and "I was born in the city of Jerusalem GO ME"ness. But some shit just takes the cake.

And this is that kind of shit.



WHAT THE HECK, Beefcake????? At least when Princess Christian, she looked GOOD when she dressed up for Halloween. I mean, CHRIST!

...I have nothing more to say.

((edited for language, because sometimes my mother reads this. who knew?)) Read more! Read more!

Make Me a Supermodel Episode 7 Recap

I miss doing recaps! I used to do them all the time and then I stopped. I'm totally getting back into it. :)

SO! Last week on Make Me a Supermodel, Katy was finally sent home, the models have to act in their photoshoot and viewers are given ample proof that Perry is a douche, Jacki is a bitch, and Ben's prison-guard skills can't be all that great if he can't hold two models apart. At the catwalk, the models were split into groups of two (except for Jacki, who was by herself) and they had to act out different personalities. Ronnie, Frankie, and Stephanie are put up for the vote.

Episode opens with Ben shaking his "best friend" awake. They share a (b)romantic moment in which Ben gives Ronnie his lucky necklace that Ben wore when he got immunity. Ronnie tells Ben he loves him, with Bravo's helpful closed captioning ensuring that no one misunderstands. Alright, I love the (b)romance, guys, but this is getting a little ridiculous. (see this post for my thoughts on the matter) but that's not the point right now. Over in Steph and Holly's room, Steph is pretty confident that she's not going home, and Holly tells her she doesn't want her to go. Aw. I like Holly. Frankie/Fabio thinks Steph will be going home. I guess he figures that the gals and gays who watch this show don't really care about the girls.

...What's sad is that he's kind of right.

ELMINATION TIME! I was kind of spoiled in advance because I saw Ronnie's reflection in the snake tank in the preview--THANKS A LOT, BRAVO!!--but I didn't honestly think he was going home anyway. To quote the Klum, Stephanie is OUT! Bye, Steph. Honestly, I'm not too broken up about it. Half the time she just sort of blended into the background and I didn't even remember she was there. But good luck either way. :)

Back at the house, Jacki the Skank and Holly snipe back and forth about how there are people who they want to leave and people who should leave. Personally, I'd think anyone but me should leave because everyone else is competition! I mean, fuck, get the good people out of the house! Honestly, don't these people stragegize?

Ronnie troops back in and cheesily informs Ben that the amulet worked. They do that weird straight-guy handshake/hug thing that's like hands-clasped-half-hug-pat-on-back...quite a comedown from the jump!hug!spin! from last week. Methinks Ben has had a few angry words from the Mrs. since last Wednesday.

Apparently, Perry had no such angry words from his girlfriend (if the poor girl still is his girlfriend...after that freakout, I'd probably stay far away from The Perry) because he scoops Frankie/Fabio up like they've been apart forever. If Perry wasn't a douche and Frankie/Fabio didn't make me want to hit him with a book, I'd squee over the slash of it. But I think Perry's doing Casey anyway.

Holly is sad because she and Steph got to be really good friends. Ronnie--everyone's gay boyfriend and Provider of Cuddles for All--goes and gives her a hug.

HAIRCUT UPDATE TIME! The hairdresser guy--who I swear to God I thought was a woman--informs Frankie/Fabio that they're cutting his hair...because of the Fabio references. I'm honestly sad, because now I'll have to find something new to make fun of him for, and I'm really too lazy for that. Oh well. Also, Ronnie's hair gets a little shorter too, and some of the blond gets taken out. I'm very happy about that, because the bleach-blond was not helping him get rid of that All-American Image the judges keep bitching at him about.

After haircut time, the models sit around and have a totally unprompted [/sarcasm] discussion about their worst fears. There's a genuinely funny moment when Ronnie says his biggest fear is George W. Bush--for all his cheesiness, he really is a funny litte queen sometimes.

Casey says that his biggest fear is snakes. At this point, everyone who's seen the preview or read spoilers about the challenge begins chuckling/rubbing their hands together maniacally.

PHOTOSHOOT DAY! The models make all us normal people feel shitty about ourselves by looking gorgeous at like 5.30 a.m. Blaaah. Today's location is Some Deserted Airfield with a big tank of water. The models look aprehensive. No Tone Niki tells the models that their photoshoot will be to look natural in a different environment. And they have a partner...a giant snake! Surprise? Anyone? Anyone?

...Yeah, me neither.

Casey decides to meditate to relieve some stress. I've got to say, Casey's growing on me. Despite the fact that he sleeps in potato chips and regularly sucks on Perry's balls, he's quite adorable. Also, he has pretty hair. I think he'll go quite far in the competition.

Photoshoot results: Perry doesn't do very well--he's really awkward in the water and he doesn't interact well with the snake. Frankie, who's actually kind of rocking the new haircut (though I am sad that I can't call him Fabio anymore), looks pretty good. And then there's Ben. Oh, honey--I love you, but this was not your best. You can really tell he's holding his breath and strugging a lot. His one redemption will probably be that it's obvious how hard he's trying. Ronnie, who was apparently a lifeguard/swim instructer in a former life/career/whatever, does a very good job! I'm very excited about this, because it means he might not be in the bottom three this week! Casey, whom I'm tempted to start calling Bhudda (but I might not actually call him that due to the I Love New York connotations), freaks out a little bit with the snake, but he looks really good in his photos! I feel like I've just watched one of those America's Next Top Model episodes where one of the girls freaks out over a photoshoot and then rocks it. Good job, Casey!

And then it's the girls' turn. And...ugh. Just...ugh.

So I'm going to cut Holly some slack because she tries really hard and you can really tell she's sick. But God, she looks like death very slightly warmed over in her photos, and the poor girl's probably going to catch pneumonia and die from going from cold air to water and then back to cold air. Jacki the Skank totally bombs it. She doesn't even seem like she's making an actual effort. Shannon...alright, let me start by saying I really like Shannon. She seems really nice, and she's actually not conventionally pretty. She's got that sort of awkward prettiness that's weird but hot at the same time. But I've got to say, this shoot was not her best. At all. Not even a little bit. She can barely stay underwater, she's not working well with the snake...ugh, it's just bad.

Also, this photographer is kind of a douche. Just saying.

Back at the house, the models talk about what they'll do with the $100,000 if/when they win it. I'm kind of reminded of those scenes in ANTM when the girls are pretty much having a sob-story-off...y'know, who has the most miserable life back home and why they should win? Yeah. Apparently Perry thinks that the fact that he works two jobs and has to wash dishes will make America pity him and vote him for the win. Ah...no.

Ben's future plans evidently don't include his wife. Or if they do, only vaguely and by inference. Oh, Mrs. Ben. You deserve so many hugs. Again...I'm really sorry for kind of wanting your husband to hook up with a dude. It's not my fault. He's encouraging us.

CATWALK DAY!

May I point out that the fact they call it a catwalk confuses the shit out of me? Does Heidi Klum have a copyright on the phrase "you may leave the runway" and that's why they have to say "catwalk"? Because I swear no one ever says "catwalk" anymore, except the dude in "I'm Too Sexy".

Just saying.

So, for today's catwalk/runway challenge, the models have to walk wearing crazy Alexander McQueen-inspired headpieces. But because this is a reality show and there were animals earlier and the little info scroll on the TV guide told us the full challenge, we all know that the models are going to have to walk down the catwalk with animals.

Does anyone else feel like this week is really dumb?

Alright, so this shit is really too dumb for me to handle by going into detail. Long story short: Casey's sheep poops, Perry's pig poops on Perry (highlight of the night). Frankie's duck wears a bow tie and Frankie very helpfully fixes it for him. Is this animal abuse? Because...seriously. A bow tie?

Also, the duck's name was Nigel and I immediately thought of Nigel Barker from ANTM. Do I watch too many modeling shows?

JUDGING!

Tyson decides to be a douche this week and tells everyone they suck. Apparently Perry used his teeth when he gave Tyson his weekly blowjob, because Tyson was not happy with The Perry this week. He says Perry sucked and that he feels like Perry has crossed the line between confidence and arrogance. Perry, who is so far over the line it's not even funny, says he "feels like he's in a dream". Yes, dear, we're now in Reality Land, a mystical place where the universe doesn't revolve around you. But don't worry. I'm sure we'll soon be moving to Bottom Three Land, population: you. All of the girls get pretty bad reviews from everyone. Ben gets panned, too. The only really good people this week were Frankie, Casey, and Ronnie. The Q&As are pretty rough, though. Biggest shocker of the night was the exchange when Tyson asked Ronnie who he thought should be in the bottom three and Ronnie (reluctantly, to his credit) said Ben. There are no words to describe the shock on Ben's face at that answer. Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise, boys? Ronnie, sugar, it might be time to give Ben his lucky necklace back.

The judges deliberate, and I really don't care what they're saying because Niki's voice makes me want to die and Tyson's cockiness is so annoying that...ugh. Whatever. I usually take this time to take a bathroom break or make a sandwich.

Final results: Frankie is in! I mean, safe. Ronnie is the winner! Casey is safe. Shannon is safe. Holly is safe.

Bottom three: Ben, Jacki, and Perry.

Alright. So, I'm not overly surprised about the bottom three. I'm going to be very honest and say that even though I actually think Ben deserves to go home...he's not going anywhere. Because let's face it, America wants to see him hook up with Ronnie. (Seriously, Mrs. Ben, I am so sorry.) The fact that he walked off the catwalk and right into Ronnie's (waiting) arms probably won't go over too well at home. But the fact that he uses his "LOVE ME, AMERICA!!" time to bitch about Holly kind of pissed me off.

Jacki and Perry...eh. Between the two of them, I think it'll probably be Jacki who goes home, because the gals and gays who watch this show don't really care too much about the chicks. Also, Jacki's a huge skank. But Perry's also a douchebag, so it could go either way.

Congrats to Ronnie on his win, good luck to the bottom three.

Stay fierce, kiddies! Read more! Read more!