Ethan Frome in 60 Seconds

So, I've decided that the books we read in AP English are stupid. So I thought I'd summarize them to make them more readable.

So here it is: Ethan Frome in 60 Seconds.

Narrator: Hey, what's up with Ethan?

Starkfield Citizes: LOL, he's messed up.

Ethan: Hey, it's snowing. Come chill at my place.

Narrator: Okay. Hey, look. A flashback!

FLASHBACK

Ethan: I hate my wife.

Zeena: *cough* So ill. *cough*

Mattie: I'm full of life! Wheeee! Look, I wear red!

AP English Students: Look, a symbol!

Zeena: I'm going to go get a checkup.

Mattie: Ethan, I wanted to make you dinner while Zeena was away and I accidentally broke that Symbol of Your Marriage--I mean, Zeena's pickle dish!

Ethan: Don't worry. We'll hide the pieces and no one will ever know.

Zeena: Who the fuck broke my pickle dish?

Ethan: Oh snap.

Zeena: BTW, I think we need to replace Mattie.

Ethan: HOMOSAYWHAT?

Mattie: Ethan, your wife wants to get rid of me!

Ethan: I know.

Mattie: But I heart you!

Ethan: I heart you, too!

Mattie: Let's kill ourselves by sledding into this tree!

Ethan: Awesome! We can--wait, what?

Mattie: DO IT!

Ethan: Okay, okay, Jesus.

Mattie: ONE TWO THREE GO!

Ethan: *totally fucks up crash landing*

Elm: Oh snap, you suck.

Ethan: Goddamn it.

END FLASHBACK

Mattie: *crippled and retarded*

Zeena: I hate you all SO MUCH.

Starkfield Citizens: Would've been better if they died, graveyard symbolism, etc etc.

Narrator: I'm getting the fuckwit out of here.

THE END.