real vampires USE their fangs...

So my friend and I got to talking about what would happen if the vampires from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles ever read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. This is what happened.

Lestat dropped a pile of books on Louis’s desk with an audible thud. “Have you read this drivel?”
In times like these, Louis had learned that it was far better to just indulge Lestat. Sighing, he set his pen down. “Read what?”
“This—” Lestat gestured wildly, apparently too annoyed to form proper sentences. “This Twilight trash! Everyone’s clamoring about how beautiful and noble these Cullen vampires are, and…” he trailed off, blue eyes narrowing. “You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?”
Louis didn’t even bother pretending to hide his amusement. “Because, my dear, you’re rambling like a nonsensical idiot about a few books.”
Lestat snorted. “This is not ‘a few books’. This is a literary sensation that’s ruining our image.”
Ever the drama queen, Louis thought fondly. “I suppose you’d like me to read these, rather than just agreeing with you on principle?” Lestat sniffed indignantly and nodded, handing him a pair of gloves. Louis frowned. “What are these for?”
“Filth,” Lestat said firmly, “is contagious.”
Louis sighed and slid the gloves on, reaching across the desk to pick up the first book. Cracking the cover—it appeared Lestat had bought them brand-new—he settled back in his chair to read. An hour later, he set it aside and picked up the second one.
Oh, really. Was…he glanced at the back cover…Stephanie Meyer serious? He snorted.
Lestat glanced up. “I told you so.”
“You don’t even know what part I’m on yet.”
“It’s the principle of the thing,” Lestat said mildly, turning one of Louis’s magazines on its side. “Trés scandaleux, Louis. I had no idea your tastes ran to blondes.”
“Just to you,” Louis said absently, and pointedly ignored Lestat’s coo of delight as he turned the page.
It took him three hours more, and then he closed Breaking Dawn with an audible snap.
Lestat glanced up. “Well?”
“Well.” Louis nudged the book away from him in distaste. “I’m fairly certain I could kick this Edward fellow’s ass all the way back to Marius, and let him and Armand have their wicked way with him.”
Lestat got to his feet and crossed the room, draping himself in Louis’s lap. “I love it,” he purred, “when you talk dirty.”
Louis smiled. Sometimes, indulging Lestat really paid off. “Oh, do you?” he flicked a few strands of blond hair off Lestat’s shoulder. “Prove it.”
Smirking, Lestat did.


There you have it, folks. Real vampires are scary and dangerous and very, very gay. :) Carry on.