unnecessary emo post is unnecessary...sorry in advance.

So there's something ridiculously depressing about having something so close that you can almost taste it and knowing that you'll fuck it up.

Yes, kids, it's that time again--time for me to whine about life because it's that or passive-aggressively push everyone away until I have a mental breakdown. Because WOW do I not have time for that.

But anyway, I'm getting to that point again where I'm just feeling really down about myself. I think this is because Darling Roommate is, of absolutely no fault of her own, rapidly becoming the symbol of everything I want and can't have. She's pretty and skinny and completely in love with someone who loves her back, and I know that she deserves everything she has, I know that, but it doesn't stop me from being irrationally jealous of her. DR is fantastic and does not deserve me resenting her, and I feel like shit about it, but sometimes I just want to be like, "Please, for the love of Christ, stop looking at yourself in the mirror and talking about having a 'food baby'. Stop saying how 'badly' you've eaten. Stop talking about Eric for five minutes." And obviously I'm not going to say that because she's wonderful and does not deserve to be slammed like that, but it's just...fuck.

I think the problem is that I'm trying to make up for my ridiculously low self-esteem by being overly cocky. Which probably borders on obnoxious. I digress. I just feel like, despite all the people in my life who I know love and care about me, I don't deserve their affection. I can't get into a relationship because I feel like anyone who is nice enough to want to be with me deserves someone who's not so broken and cynical and fucked-up.

And now there's this boy who's utterly fantastic and I have a massive crush on him that might be sorta kinda returned a little bit maybe? and all I want to do is tell him, but I'm terrified. I'm scared that I'll let someone in and it'll all go to hell again and my subconscious will say "I told you so, I told you so" and I'll be fucked up even more, and it'll be my own fault.

Darling Roommate will kill me for this, but even though I told her I was going to go for him over vacation, I don't know if I can. I don't think I can. I'm too scared, and I'm too insecure, and I hate it, but I don't know how to fix myself.

In conclusion:

Fuck.



p.s. boy, if you're reading this (which I doubt), please understand that none of this is directed at you. it's all directed at me. <3 Read more! Read more!