so many levels of fucked up

You know what? I've been hearing that "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem" bullshit for years. And you know what? Fine. I have a problem.

And you know what's actually getting me to admit to that problem?

I'm jealous of this:


(The characters, not the actors, obviously. I'm totally convinced that he's gay and she's sleeping with Ashley Tisdale.)

Because, seriously. These two ridiculous characters, in a fucking Disney movie, are capable of a more mature and loving relationship than I am. They made it through a cliquey school, a scheming princess diva, and college decisions, and they still ended up together. And yeah, it's Disney, so of course there was a happy ending. But still.

And I never had to try and brave any of that shit. I didn't have to deal with cliques or schemers or college distance. All I had to deal with in order to make a successful relationship was my own subconscious.

But you know what? I can't. I can't come to grips with the fact that I'm totally, completely messed up.

So instead, I project the opposite image. I cuddle and drape myself all over people and talk about how comfortable I with sex and sexuality, when in reality every touch makes me cringe, every lewd joke makes me remember all the times when sex was dirty and painful and awful. I pretend everything's okay when all I want to do is curl up and cry.

When I write stories, be it fanfiction or original, my readers always comment on the angst and hurt and abuse I put my characters through. They tell me "I felt so awful for so-and-so. I'm glad so-and-so was there for him/her!" And the characters are getting all the empathy I didn't. Because people care about the characters. There's an attachment there. People would rather read about their favorite characters being abused than hear their friends' stories. And that sucks.

But it's an outlet. I write about the characters and their reactions and yeah, they're much more realistic and painful than that grammatically retarded shit on fanfiction.net. It's dark and it's gritty and it's real, because life sucks like that.

I know, in the back of my mind, that I wouldn't be the writer I am today without the shit that happened to me. I wouldn't be able to channel my emotions into my writing. I wouldn't be able to make my characters real and believable and human.

Don't get me wrong. My writing saved my life. Without my ability to channel my pain into poetry and prose, I probably wouldn't be here today. And without what happened, I don't think I'd be a bad writer, but I'd certainly be a different one.

And do you want to know a secret?

I'd trade all the writing ability in the world for the ability to be normal again. To go on a date without looking around for every possible exit, every person in the surrounding area I can scream for. To be alone with someone of the opposite sex without being scared. To hug someone without wanting to cry. To be sexual without feeling like I have to.

In the end, I just want to live in a Disney world where everyone gets to have a happy ending.
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HSM in 2 minutes or less

You guys...I wish there were words to describe how awesome this is.

...But there aren't.

(for those of you wondering, that guy is Drew Seeley, who did Troy's singing in HSM1. BBV is not there because no one cares about her.) Read more! Read more!

Oh, BOYS.

Okay. Seriously.

Sometimes...sometimes there just aren't words.

....*gigglesnort*

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my mommy >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> your mommy

MY MOMMY IS ADORABLE.







That is all.

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DONE, bitches.

50K down, 50K to go. :) Read more! Read more!

trufax.

Now, kiddies, listen.

Everyone was very excited about the Obama election, myself included. This was a historical event and a huge triumph for young voters, who turned out in droves to elect the candidate who actually made us believe that there could be hope for this country.

That being said, while a huge step was taken forward for minorities, another giant leap was taken backwards by the passage of anti-gay legislation in Arizona, Arkansas, California, and Florida.

I really don't understand this--how America can come so far but still have so far to go. People who argue against gay rights because of the Bible...it doesn't make sense to me. First of all for the obvious reason, that the laws of the Bible should not, under any circumstances, control the laws of our country. But mostly because, and I mean this sincerely, it's not fair to use the Bible to oppose gay rights.

I'm a fairly religious person. I've read the Bible cover-to-cover and trust me when I tell you it's an interesting read. But you can't use it to defend an anti-gay stance, not unless you're going to use it to protest divorce, shrimp, and polyester as well. You can't pick and choose the passages that suit your bigotry, that's not how it works. I don't know how to make this clear, and I know there's no way to really convince the sort of people who use that kind of reasoning, but seriously. The Bible says that the right to judgment lies with God and God alone, so if you're going to rely on a book to make your decisions, rely on it in a way that helps your fellow man, not in a way that hurts him.

Also, I kind of love Keith Olberman. For serious. Read more! Read more!

to everyone bitching about leaving the country...

Alright. So apparently a ton of bitchy people who are all pissed about my bb Barack winning are planning on leaving the country to go to either Canada or Europe.

Itty bitty problems with that plan, m'dears.

1. Canada is one of the only countries on the planet that is more liberal than the U.S. Free health care, higher taxes, gay marriage, the list goes on. So if you're scared of Obama's "socialist policies" (and, by the way, our government started employing "socialist policies" as soon as we developed the income tax and welfare), Canada is not the place to go.

2. Europe DOES NOT WANT YOU. Seriously. When people talk about how Europeans hate Americans, they're talking about YOU. European bbs, back me up on this, but I'm pretty sure that the Americans they don't like are the ones that are all for the wars and the guns and against the gays and the yays. I'm not saying Republicans, just...y'know, the crazy ones.

So that's that. And seriously, everyone talking about how Obama's a Muslim, or a terrorist, or a socialist...do some research. He's a Christian, he's no more of a terrorist than Sarah Palin (and I'm pretty sure she's more of one), and figure out what socialism IS before you start pissing out about it, because it's working pretty damn well overseas.

Thanks for your time, kittens.
xoxoxoxoxo Read more! Read more!