Just Sigh and Move On: March 2008

Well, kiddies, this is it. The end of the road. The big shebang. It’s been a long journey. There’s been laughter (Chris), there’ve been tears (Ricky), and now it’s time to bring it all to a close.

*tear*

PREVIOUSLY ON PROJECT RUNWAY: Home visits. Christian (Princess) is made out to be a friendless loser (which is not true), Jillian wears the fugliest Christmas sweater ever (which is true), Rami introduces his partner as his friend, and Chris has human hair on his clothes. Chris and Rami have a motherfucking walk-off. Chris is out, and Rami completes the Final 3.

The episode opens in the hotel room to which the designers have been assigned. Apparently Bravo has come to the conclusion that there’s no way any of these people are hooking up, so it’s totally okay to put them all in one room. After seeing the very different taste all of these people have in men, I think it’s a fair point. Although Jillian’s boyfriend kind of looks like Rami, if Rami had hair.

Princess Fierce is jumpy and anxious and just wants to get this shit over with. Jillian asks if her hair looks alright. It doesn’t, but honestly, if you’re asking hair advice from a bald dude and a cockatoo, you’re already in trouble. Rami makes an attempt at Princess’s “let’s go bitches” and the designers troop out.

Workroom! The designers make casual conversation and try not to look like they’re sizing up the competition. Princess is either looking at Rami’s collection or checking out his ass.

Tim Gunn (diva alias: “Poly Syballicus. I love this man.) enters for some mentoring. He takes a minute to mentally debate the “ladies first” rule and apparently decides Jillian is the most ladylike person in the room. Good thing, too, because Mumbles needs help. She proudly displays a black-and-white striped sweater that’s really cute…until you get to the sleeves. Which look like mops. There is no nice way to say this…they look like mops. And not the flat papery kind. The old-school stringy kind. It is not cute.

Tim tells Jillian that some parts of her collection are “incongruous” which is a smart way of saying “this shit looks like it was slapped randomly together at three a.m.—and you know how I feel about three a.m. decisions, bitch”. He does have a point, though. That sweater doesn’t work with anything, on the runway or off.

On to Rami! For all his fans’ bitching about how he should have been in the F3 from the beginning, they should be thanking TPTB that he got a chance to show his collection to the judges beforehand, because that fugly blue jacket has been removed from his collection. He shows Tim a vintage dress made almost completely of antique lace.

It’s gorgeous. I hate Rami with a passion—not as much passion as he has for draping, but with passion nonetheless—but this dress is, to quote the Princess, fierce. Tim uses the words “stunning” and “phenomenal”—The Gunn approves.

Moving onto Princess. I think I speak for all the viewers when I say that even though I’d already seen spoiler pictures of his collection, I wanted to see him show it off. But something’s wrong with Princess today—he seems nervous, anxious, almost worried. Tim asks where the “cocky, confident Christian” has gone, to which Princess miserably answers “I don’t know!” Nonetheless, he shows Tim a myriad of puffy-sleeved jackets and skinny pants. Predictable? Yes. But they’re pretty amazing. Tim asks if it’s over-designed and reminds Princess to edit.

Princess interviews that he’s getting a little worried. He says that both Jillian and Rami’s collections are really innovative and interesting. Who is this person, and what have they done with Princess Fierce? On the other hand, though, this side of Christian is actually kind of endearing. Kind of makes me want to hug him. Y’know…more than before. :P

It’s time for model casting! Princess gets his fierce back long enough to put on an ugly Sparta-style hat and strut his stuff across the workroom. Jillian is worried, because she’s never done a model casting before. No one is sympathetic.

Models, models, models, blah blah blah. I missed this part because I went to go make myself a sandwich. Rami says that some of the models were great, some were good, and some were tragic. I got back in time to see a few members of the latter category. Tranny messes, kiddies, I kid you not. Princess interviews that he wants “fierce tallness and walks for days”. Have I mentioned how much I love this kid? I think he should win just by that statement. How many PR-watching fashion executives do you think are now screaming into their phones at casting agencies “I NEED FIERCE TALLNESS AND WALKS FOR DAYS”? Many. You’re welcome, executives.

The designers take their new models for makeup consultations with Collier Strong. My mom wonders if this is his real name, and I have to explain the system of Gay Naming to her—when a gay man reaches a certain age, he changes his name to a fiercer, more fabulous version. Collier Strong probably used to be “Collin Stone” or something lame like that. Bo-ring. But “Collier Strong” is fierce. My mother gives me a look that’s somewhere between stunned disbelief and adorable consideration. I love my family.

Anyway, the consultations. Rami wants “chiseled”, Jillian wants “natural”, and Princess wants “gorgeous for days”. It’s all very predictable.

Model fittings! Rami takes the opportunity to look over at Princess’s collection and pronounces it “over the top”. He says Christian needs to learn to dress “women, not models”. Except for the part where this is a fashion show. Who do we dress at fashion shows again, O Seasoned Designer? That’s right. Models. Take your pretentiousness and shove it up your Banana-Republic-jean-covered ass.

I dislike Rami.

Princess’s models inform him that the shoes he’s picked are really hard to walk in. He informs them that he personally walked around his apartment in them for a week, and if can do it, they can do it. Amen, sister! That’s dedication right there. Princess dismisses his models with a loving goodbye—“Be really skinny! Don’t eat!” I take a moment to be amazed that Bravo left that in. I’m trying to figure out if they’re giving him the bitch edit or they sympathetic edit.

Jillian is freaking out, because the girls she chose don’t match and make her already-incongruous collection look even more so. Princess interviews that it’s her own fault. Jillian tries to get new models, but ends up stuck with her old ones. No one is sympathetic.

Hair consultation with TRESemmé Hair Queen Nathaniel. Jillian wants flirty and pretty. Rami does this really weird, Victorian braiding style. Princess’s instructions? “BE FIERCE!” What more do you need?

Tim Gunn arrives for one more gather-round pep talk. There is much sniffling and hugging, and the designers troop off to bed. Princess looks about four years old when he climbs into a giant bed with pillows that are bigger than he is.

OH GOOD MORNING, RUNWAY SHOW!

The designers wake up at 4:15 a.m. Everyone is freaking out. Jillian is shown surrounded by about six bags of hair products. My first thought is that it’s all hers, but then I remember that Princess’s bed is right next to hers, so some of that stuff might be his.

Yeah, right. Who are we kidding? Good luck with that fro, Jillian.

T minus 2 hours, and there’s utter chaos backstage at the tent. Two of Princess’s models are late, Jillian’s clothes are literally falling apart, and Rami has turned the pretentiousness knob up to eleven.

Okay, pause. Go back to the part where two of Princess’s models are late. Um, who the fuck shows up late to a Bryant Park fashion show? Somehow I just see that being career death.

Princess is freaking out. Like, nervous breakdown freaking out. There are almost tears—he swipes his eyes a few times, but nothing visible. But then his last missing model turns up and cocky Princess is back. Whew.

The usual pre-runway reminders. Rami’s from Jerusalem, where he turned into a fashionista queen to escape the religious conflict—and for the record, I’ve been to Jerusalem, and it’s really not all that bad—and how he’s passionate about draping and women’s bodies, etc, etc. Princess lets us know that he really needs to win because he’s broke. Well…so was Sweet P, sugar. It didn’t help her.

Crowd shots. I think every single person who’s ever been on Bravo was there. Oh, look, there’s Jack and Dale! (My sister takes this moment to squeal “Oh, look, the Bravo-cest boys!”. Did I mention that I love my family?) Posh Spice is there.

Fun Fact: When asked in an interview what celebrity he would like to hook up/make out with, Princess responded “David Beckham.” I wonder if Posh is aware of this.

Heidi introduces the judges. Michael Kors is wearing sunglasses. In a dark tent. LET’S START THE SHOW!

Jillian’s up first. Her hair looks almost-tame and her dress is adorable. She’s actually somewhat cute.

Her collection is very Jillian. A lot of jackets. Of the three collections, hers is the most wearable. Some outfits are actually very cute. A lot of knitwear. The fugly mop sweater still annoys me. I can’t get over it. I don’t like her ending piece at all.

My favorite look:

My least favorite look:

Rami is next. Very pretentious speech about celebrating women and blah blah blah. This exchange results:

My sister: Look at the bright side. He thinks women are sacred.
Me: And yet, he won’t touch them.
My sister: Why? Is he like…really religious?
Me: He’s gay.
My sister: …I feel as though I should have made that connection.

I don’t hate his collection. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s still very drapey and let’s face it, Grecian, but some of the pieces are gorgeous. I don’t really like his color palate—he uses some turquoises that clash with the bright reds, and it doesn’t work very well. The daytime dresses look a little forced. But the evening gowns are incredible. I think he should stick with that, personally—boy could make a killing just dressing award shows/red carpets. That’s definitely where his strength is. His pieces don’t look great in still images, which is why I had sort of counted him out, but the thing with draping is that it looks incredible in motion. Jersey is a very movable fabric and the clothes look gorgeous coming down the runway. Rami’s back in the game, kiddies, and he could very well win. I’m not happy about this.

My favorite look:

My least favorite look:

Toss up between this:

and this:

And now for the main event: Princess Fierce! He looks a little nervous at first, but quickly recovers. He informs the audience that they look “fierce”, and everyone falls in love with him a little bit.

Let me just start by saying that Princess did not come to Bryant Park to show a ready to wear line. He didn’t even come to show a remotely wearable line. He came to put on a fucking show, and put on a show he did. Hate on Princess all you want, but girlfriend knows how to deliver. (snap, snap, snap)

That being said, damn. The music starts, the girls come out, and the crowd goes wild. The collection is intense piece after intense piece. There’s a lot of volume and a lot of detail and not a lot of color. The sheer amount of black makes it kind of hard to see the details on the clothes, but it works for him. There is no low point to the show. Each piece is just as intense, if not more so, than the last. And bitch knows how to cast! He’s got pale girls wearing dark clothes and dark girls wearing light clothes—the contrasts between their skin and the clothes is tasteful but it ads to the effect. He thought this whole thing through more than the other two designers, I think, and it’ll probably work in his favor.

Also, a fun fact: his boyfriend wrote/produced the music for his show. Aw.

Princess interviews that he loves Victoria Beckham. Well Becks apparently loves Princess right back, because she’s smiling. That’s right: Posh is smiling. Game, set, match, bitches.

My favorite looks (I couldn’t pick just one):

My least favorite look:

If this competition was judged on showmanship alone, Princess has this in the bag. But the game’s not over until the fat lady sings—yes, Michael Kors, I’m talking about you.

Princess, trying to play it off casual, says lightly: “Whatever happens, happens—but I tell ya, I need a hundred grand!” I love this kid. SO MUCH. If he loses, I’ll adopt him as my pocket gay and he can be my stylist.

FOUR JUDGES JUDGING.

Everyone is impressed by the showmanship and the collections. Nina says that any of the collections could fit right into the rest of BP, no problem. This is high praise. I take it she wasn’t bored, then?

The designers trot out onto the runway, models in tow. Heidi reminds them of the prizes: new car, lots of money, Bluefly.com, a contract with Covergirl Cosmetics…oh, wait. Am I getting my shows mixed up? I need a new hobby.

Evaluations time! The judges start with Jillian. She carried her Met challenge inspiration over to her final collection, with military/equestrian-esque jackets. Kors thinks it’s feminine and chic, Posh says it’s beautifully made, and Heidi likes the new silhouettes. Nina says it was disjointed and that there were “too many inspirations” for one collection. Party Pooper.

Next is Princess. He’s very nervous when introducing his collection, almost endearingly tongue-tied. Kors says his collection was powerful and dramatic, and that the two-toned dress was “spec-tac-u-lar” (four words). Princess is starting to look a little happier. Posh loves his collection. She pronounces it “major”, which is apparently the British equivalent of “fierce”. She says it made her smile. Princess is beaming, and I can’t blame him.

Rami is last. Heidi loves his collection, which is not necessarily a good thing considering the fact that many of the things Heidi likes are considered tacky and strange, seeing as how she’s, y’know, German. Kors doesn’t like the color choices.

The designers are shooed off the runway and the judges deliberate. Nina says Princess “opened strong” and “delivered constantly”, high praise from the Queen of Mean. Posh continues to gush over how young and hip and adorable and major and etc Princess is. I start to grin because I’ve been rooting for Princess from day one and I’m starting to think he might win this thing.

They say things about the other contestants, too, but no one cares.

THREE FINALISTS FRETTING.

The designers come back onto the runway. Everyone looks very apprehensive. Heidi has her Tyra Elimination face on. I’m waiting for “Three amazing designers stand before me, but I only have one giant check in my hands…”

Jillian is out. She mumbles something grateful, gets the Kiss of Death from Heidi, and troops off to be smothered by her family her more-attractive-in-Long-Island boyfriend. Bye, Jillian! I didn’t completely dislike you!

TWO FINALISTS FREAKING.

It’s down to Princess and Rami. One whom I would be delighted to see win, one who I’ll flip a shit if he wins. Guess which is which.

Oh my God. Heidi hasn’t even said anything, and Princess is in tears. He controls himself for about half a second, but then his little baby face is scrunching up and tears are just streaming down his face and he’s blubbering like it’s the end of the world. It’s not pretty crying, but I think every viewer, even the ones who hate him, falls in love with him just a little bit in that moment.

“Congratulations…CHRISTIAN! YOU ARE THE WINNER OF PROJECT RUNWAY!”

ONE DESIGNER DANCING.

Princess breaks down, doubling over and sobbing into his hands, and then Rami’s shoulder, and then his hands, and then Rami again. I love this kid SO MUCH. Heidi tells him that he’s “uber-fierce”, Posh tells him that she wants him to design for him…I think his head might explode.

Tim comes out with Princess’s family. Hugs and kisses are exchanged, followed by this conversation:

Tim: Can you believe it?
Princess: Yep! *huge giant my-face-might-split-in-half grin*

So, congratulations, Princess. I was rooting for you to the beginning. You’re everyone’s favorite pocket-gay, and all your fans are very proud of you!

See you next season, kiddies! Stay fierce!
Read more! Read more!